It's about time...

It's about time for another rant. To those of you that actually take the time to read these entries, I applaud you. It's been some time since my last entry, and I've decided to change the direction of this blog towards more personal journal entry-type writing instead of posting poems and other writings I publish on facebook. That's right, exclusive material...feel special readers :).

So, I've made it through to the other side of my struggle against society. I'm finally coming to terms with the hellish reality of daybreak bringing sunbeams and alarm clock screams into my peaceful sleep; that's right, back to work folks. In the past three weeks I've worked between 50 and 70 hours per week between my two jobs and am finally making enough money to pay the bills that have to be paid to keep me progressing towards a better life. Exhaustion would be an understatement of how I feel. The endless droning cycle of work and killing time until my next shift (sometimes as little as 2 hours) is making my heart and soul weary and discouraged, but I fight on. I'm relearning how to operate in the work force as it's been a few years since I've had any new job to learn and it's been quite the experience I must say. More on that later, but mostly I'm tired...

My feet are tired from standing for hours in 5 year old shoes.
My brain is tired from lonely hours on the couch between shifts.
My heart is tired from death threats down the road and love across the continent.
I'm tired of waking up early and going to bed late.
I'm tired of my self-loathing that drives my smoking habits.
I'm tired of drinking for lack of a better idea.
I'm tired of having to choose what needs to fill with each paycheck.
I'm tired of the consequences of my thrill-seeking year of exploration.
I'm tired of watching life pass me by while kids my age are indulging their every whim.
I'm tired of my phone ringing more often with creditors and people wanting favors than of people who care about me.
I'm tired of South Carolina and it's backwards thinking and societal expectations.
I'm tired of giving money to the court system.
I'm tired of feeling stuck.
Most importantly, I'm tired of being tired.

Living in a college town and working in close proximity to the students has given me a fresh perspective on the local culture. Watching the blue-collar laborers clean up after filthy spoiled-rotten children of entitlement (aka college kids) has shown me how disrespectful and inconsiderate people can be. As much as I love Clemson, the ignorance and disrespect of many of the athletic fans and students breaks my heart. Just today, I watched a man chase after the umpires following the baseball game screaming and cursing at them because of a controversial call that awarded the victory to the other team. At the Eric Church concert at LJC (Littlejohn Coliseum) I watched grown men exchange angry words that began a beer cup throwing altercation. Basically, I wish people would chill out and stop acting like they're entitled to some sort of heightened respect because of a name or status or position and just treat each other like equal human beings. I watch the cleaning crew for the baseball stadium spend hours after every game picking up trash and cleaning up food for hours that people carelessly discard wherever they see fit simply because they're ignorant and selfish. I hope to hold myself to a higher standard and enact positive change in those around me through these humbling experiences.

In other news, a college I've been pursuing for creative writing in Boulder, CO has waived the application fee so I may begin pursuing that dream. I've never had to make a more conflicted decision in my life and am not quite sure where I stand on it even now. The school is a perfect fit for me, but I have two jobs, an awesome roommate and friends, and a stable life here. I really want to finish what I started, but it's looking like I may not be able to return to school for awhile if I don't return in the fall because I simply cannot hold off payment on my student loans any longer. I would love to move west towards a more open-minded environment fit for my writing and life styles, but it breaks my heart to think of leaving all the wonderful people in my life here. As of now, I'm pursuing both Clemson and Naropa for the Fall and will see which prevails. The advantage of Naropa is the possibility of a full scholarship in creative writing, while a huge part of me wants to finish what I started here in Clemson.

Also, relations with both my maintenance employer and EPI boss have drastically improved. On maintenance now all the cleaning and painting is contracted to outside companies instead of being my responsibility. A new employee, Michael, was also recently hired who I get along with wonderfully and enjoy working with tremendously. Time seems to pass far more quickly with someone to talk to and work beside. I've also managed to overcome a good bit of unwarranted intimidation I feel towards my maintenance boss through good communication. I don't know why I feel so awkward around him, but we've been talking more concerning both work and life related subjects and communicating much more clearly. My EPI job also is going much better as I've started to figure out the general process for different events. Traffic and crowd management is difficult because of a lack of black-and-white guidelines for each position, but I've been getting more and more hours and getting to know my fellow employees and supervisors better. Basically, I haven't been yelled at by that boss in awhile and I've been getting more hours, so I assume I'm improving and have definitely been enjoying it more.

Other than that, I hope this week to have some time to relax and visit with my friends before they head home after exams. I'm looking forward to summer, but dread the end of school as always because the entire dynamic of this community changes and many of my best friends live elsewhere. I will prevail, as always, through clean living and a pure heart hahaha but seriously, I will miss everyone terribly which will make the fall all the better to soothe my aching soul. That's all for now, hopefully another update will be coming soon.

Peace and Love