Here I sit in the silent twilight of a dawning day. O please, hold the dramatics...it's just another lonely night. It's dark outside, other than the beams of streetlights shining down upon this little apartment complex where I'm doin' time for doin' it all wrong. Other than the music, I hear nothing as the roommates sleep silently and the world is resting in preparation for Monday morning's drudgery...but not me, O not at all. I loathe sleep. That little surrender to the end of the day, resigning myself to an end of possibilities for the time at hand, that tiny peaceful moment right before I know I'll be transported to the following morning full of responsibilities, societal norms, and time constraints is so despised by my heart I'd rather sit alone and bask in the gentle nothingness. It caresses my soul, warms my heart, and allows my mind to breathe in the freedom of vacuous contemplations. It is in these hours I find all things are thrown in violent affront to my cognitive grinding stone, and broken down into simplistic trifles and complex emotional scars...with a little sunshine thrown in, just for kicks.
Who, what, where, and how am I? None can be answered. I discourage the comforting and mind-numbing cliches like, "You're the sum of your experiences", "You're a unique being created for a purpose", or "You're your impact on those around you". I'm glad you can be so fucking zen about the whole thing, but not me. I've committed sins all across my sphere of influence, found redemption in karma's sweet release, done it all again and never looked back. What am I? Just another organism wandering this dismal planet in search of a little sunshine into my little demonic cave of horrific torturous regret guilt, blame, lamentations, and a tiny dabble of self-loathing. Where am I? The fringes of a college party town...the edge of what was, but way beyond the sight of what's to come. A constant reminder of every little fuck-up, with the endearment of those who've seen me through it all...so yes, there is a light into my seemingly pessimistic world. The people around me who love me with deepest care, sacrifice their time to bring a little brightness to my word, my sincerest fans make it all worthwhile even if it's not always easy. So how am I? I'm awake...focused..drawn into the music: The slurring lyrics of obviously foreign accented passionate expression, the banging drums keeping the beat of my heart pressing onward, the guitar riffs washing over my brain like paint dripping off a spherical glass ball all bring tranquility to this place. I feel love, hate, disdain, loathing, hope, fear, guilt, happiness, and even a tiny bit of mischievousness thrown in there somewhere. Complexity is the modus operandi of a wandering twisted soul.
Twisted, not evil mind you. I've bent my moral fiber through so many philosophical loopholes it's a wonder it hasn't torn into a thousand apologetic strips. I played all sorts of mind games within the assumptions of myself and others, and came out on top even if it pushed me to extremity. I don't do that any more...it's half my problem. I sit alone soaking in electronic movie entertainment, musical comfort, ingest alcoholic release, sip loathing out of a whiskey tumbler while the ice cubes cool my lips like a gentle whisper of, "it's going to be ok, you'll be numb soon" through my aural cavern straight into the recesses of my ever-reeling brain. I love my booze...it fixes so many hurts in the body, mind, and soul, but fear the ramifications of constant self-medication, so I save it to share with my beautiful associates. A good whiskey on the rocks or the micro-brewed perfection of a Flying Dog or Magic Hat beer seem to always make me at peace with the world. My times on my front porch watching my fellow residents pass by on the way to wherever it is people go with a smoldering cigarette in one hand and long-necked brew in the other are some of the most treasured I have. Kicked the cigarettes though; figured that was no way for someone who'd lived through as much as I have to go out...but I miss them. The combined mentholated burn in the back of the throat quenched by ice-cold crown royal, then rekindled by the warmth of 80-proof indulgence can fix just about whatever ails ya'...but I don't do that any more. I'm trying to do what's right...whatever that means, so I sit alone in the darkness trying to make sense of it all.
what is "it all?", you might ask. Why thank you for your inquiry, I'd be happy to share. "It all" is the realization you've been traveling through life at 180 mph and 8,000 rpms right towards everything you ever thought you wanted, then spinning off a guardrail into the shock of a frigid ice-capped river, only to barely drag your hypo-thermal body onto a stone-topped island in the middle of the flowing stream..."What the fuck!?" is right. What did I do's, and what just happened's, and what do I do now's, and all those wonderful little quandaries bottle-neck right before you can process any one or the other, and your brain goes blank. I like to think of it as a...grayish hum, or white noise, or as if you've descended into the static of the television. That's where I am. I had a college "career", good job, promising future, good friends, money, vacation days, everything I ever needed and more, though I never saw the reality of what was. I had it, but I lost it...or ditched it, or destroyed it...any way you look at it, it packed it's shit and left without ever saying good bye. I would share that whole process, but it's all going in the book I'm hoping to get published one day if I can ever plough through all the gritty details...anyways.
I'm 21 years old living in Central, SC on the outskirts of Clemson University which I previously alluded to. I have three years of college education, but not enough money for the fourth, or enough money for just about anything (he said, candidly). I work for the maintenance department of the apartment complex I live in (because I almost got evicted for failure to pay) which though seems extravagantly glamorous (haha, or not..), involves picking up bratty college party kid's beer cans, blunt wraps, unsticking used condoms frozen to the side of buildings, pressure washing, driving around on a golf cart trying to not look like a hobo, writing warning notices, and cleaning up after their childish escapades, as well as cleaning and refurbishing apartments between tenants. I hate it...it's below my intelligence level, yet I love it for the fact that my self-loathing spirit thrives on manual labor. I wrap up in the morning with my fleece jacket over my hooded sweatshirt, duct-taped jeans covered in paint splatter over flannel pj pants, a wool winter hat, gloves, hunting socks, and rubber shoes then grab my coffee and face it like a man...that's right, I'm "that guy". The one who knocks on your door at 9 AM to replace your A/C filter, change your light bulbs, check your smoke detector, or whatever it is you request. Glamorous, like I said, but more about that later. I have another equally "unskilled labor"-type occupation. I work for a small event and promotions company out of Greenville, SC (our largest nearby "city") that handles parking and crowd management for events. I'm independently contracted for weekend work usually between 4 and 6 hours and compensated with the impressive rate of 7.35/hr. God bless America. Essentially, I yet again, stand out in the cold trying to keep blood flowing to my extremities and check parking lot passes until the game begins then either "guard" (observe really) a side street leading into the basketball arena during the game or stand to the side of the student section and observe drunken fools screaming profanity with obscene signs and gestures extended to the opposing team to report to our beloved boys in blue (more on them later, too). None of it matters...or means anything...to anyone except for free rent and a whopping $180 a month income. However, as dark and dismal as this all sounds, life is fun, love is alive, people are beautiful, and nothing hurts. My passion for writing poetry and my book about how I got to where I am keep my hopes and dreams alive, along with kind and caring words and actions from friends and family. My apartment is my sanctuary away from the monotony of society and all it's sleights, and I love it as deeply as you can love any place.
So that's my life right now, very very basically. How about you? I'm Anonymously Anomalous, hear me.
Monday, February 8, 2010
"Phil"osophical "Phil"isms: My Words of Wisdom
This is an ongoing project of mine in which I share helpful thoughts of encouragement week-by-week. Hopefully, I'll have some more to expand the list soon.
1. If at first you don’t succeed, you’d better have an awesome story.
2. You aren’t perfect. Don’t expect other people to be. Try to be better instead.
3. Work like you’ll live forever and play like it’s your last day alive.
4. Never trust everyone or no one. Learn to tell who can be trusted.
5. When traveling the path of life, you can be a crutch to someone in need but don’t push their wheelchair. Eventually they’ll forget how to walk on their own and you won’t be there forever.
6. The only person you HAVE to live with the rest of your life is yourself.
7. Think about what you buy in terms of how many hours you worked for the money to buy it.
8. Some people are there because they need your help. Other people are there because you need their help. Learn the benefits of both.
9. Don’t live in the past, you’ve already been there once. The now is going on and you don't wanna miss it.
10. If you can’t find a reason to get up in the morning, remember today will be different. It might be better or it might be worse, but make it an adventure.
11. The only thing you can ever be the best at is being yourself. You’re the only “you” there is, it’s a sure thing.
12. There will always be someone better and worse off than you at any given point in your life. Try to see the bigger picture.
13. Love makes two people happy, hate makes one person miserable. Be logical.
14. Learn to be as self-sufficient as possible but humble enough to know when you need help.
15. Strive for self-awareness. If you don’t know what makes you happy, how can you expect to enjoy life.
16. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If it feels too good to be true, it’s probably illegal.
17. Don’t ever do anything because everyone’s telling you to or everyone’s telling you not to. There’s reasons for both of those situations, decide what YOU want.
18. Consequences are real. If you want to completely deny them, you’d better make sure you’re dead before you have to deal with them.
19. Don’t be too hard on yourself or too easy on yourself. Set reasonable goals and expectations, but learn your own limits. If you don’t set any goals, you’ll reach them every time.
20. Try to spend twice as much time listening as talking. You hardly ever hear people praising someone for how good they are at talking.
21. Try not to complain. If you can’t change it, why complain? If you can change it, why complain? Everyone needs to vent every once in awhile, but save it for a good friend who’ll share their frustrations with you.
22. You’re responsible for how you treat other people, not how they treat you. Learn to be the better person.
23. Respect yourself if you want other people to respect you. Respect other people if you want to learn self-respect.
24. Don’t do anything for other people and expect a reward in return. Your reward is the opportunity to help someone and better your friendship, leave it at that.
25. It’s significantly easier to change your perspective than change your life.
26. There is always one or more of three people who are responsible for everything wrong in your life. You, someone else, or no one. Learn to accept that and move on. Don’t waste your time with blame and guilt.
27. If there’s anything (not anyone, mind you) in your life you feel like you couldn’t live without, I suggest doing just that. Try going three weeks without it, and you will appreciate it and your freedom much more deeply. It may scare you how much power it holds over you too.
28. Don’t ever compromise your beliefs, but don’t ever let them alienate you from other people. Keep in mind everyone else has just as many valid reasons for their belief system as you do, and take the time to share and learn with them. It might surprise you how right they are.
29. People are not as logical as we like to think. If you truly analyze your own reasoning and motivations for how you spend your life, you’ll realize how little cause-and-effect comes into play. Don’t try to box people in or criticize their decisions, the human experience is far more beautiful than that.
30. Make a list of ten things you can do for fun that don’t involve spending money. It’s harder than it sounds, but when you get them nailed down it will keep you from defaulting to more expensive activities.
31. A lot of people hate their jobs, it’s just the way life is. Find something you’re passionate about to do in your free time if that’s the case so you can feel productive and accomplished even if work isn’t providing that satisfaction.
32. Find a way to spend at least 30 minutes completely alone with the thoughts in your head (no music!). I recommend taking a walk somewhere tranquil by yourself. You may be surprised by the things you think about that you may have been blocking out which can sometimes be stressful, but it’s far better than working out all the stress at one time when it can’t be blocked out any more.
33. If you want to know what kind of person you are, look outward instead of inward. A lot of times it’s hard to see ourselves for how we are, but the quality of people we attract speaks volumes about our character.
34. Stress and discouragement will always happen in life. Find healthy ways of coping with these and their negative emotions instead of bottling them in. A good friend to talk to, writing down how you feel, or even just a way to distract yourself I highly recommend, but find what works for you.
25. Hopes, dreams, and life are three things that are guaranteed. Don’t let anyone take them away from you, and no matter how frustrating someone may be, unless they’re going to kill you how much does it really matter? If they are going to kill you, how much does it really matter?
1. If at first you don’t succeed, you’d better have an awesome story.
2. You aren’t perfect. Don’t expect other people to be. Try to be better instead.
3. Work like you’ll live forever and play like it’s your last day alive.
4. Never trust everyone or no one. Learn to tell who can be trusted.
5. When traveling the path of life, you can be a crutch to someone in need but don’t push their wheelchair. Eventually they’ll forget how to walk on their own and you won’t be there forever.
6. The only person you HAVE to live with the rest of your life is yourself.
7. Think about what you buy in terms of how many hours you worked for the money to buy it.
8. Some people are there because they need your help. Other people are there because you need their help. Learn the benefits of both.
9. Don’t live in the past, you’ve already been there once. The now is going on and you don't wanna miss it.
10. If you can’t find a reason to get up in the morning, remember today will be different. It might be better or it might be worse, but make it an adventure.
11. The only thing you can ever be the best at is being yourself. You’re the only “you” there is, it’s a sure thing.
12. There will always be someone better and worse off than you at any given point in your life. Try to see the bigger picture.
13. Love makes two people happy, hate makes one person miserable. Be logical.
14. Learn to be as self-sufficient as possible but humble enough to know when you need help.
15. Strive for self-awareness. If you don’t know what makes you happy, how can you expect to enjoy life.
16. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If it feels too good to be true, it’s probably illegal.
17. Don’t ever do anything because everyone’s telling you to or everyone’s telling you not to. There’s reasons for both of those situations, decide what YOU want.
18. Consequences are real. If you want to completely deny them, you’d better make sure you’re dead before you have to deal with them.
19. Don’t be too hard on yourself or too easy on yourself. Set reasonable goals and expectations, but learn your own limits. If you don’t set any goals, you’ll reach them every time.
20. Try to spend twice as much time listening as talking. You hardly ever hear people praising someone for how good they are at talking.
21. Try not to complain. If you can’t change it, why complain? If you can change it, why complain? Everyone needs to vent every once in awhile, but save it for a good friend who’ll share their frustrations with you.
22. You’re responsible for how you treat other people, not how they treat you. Learn to be the better person.
23. Respect yourself if you want other people to respect you. Respect other people if you want to learn self-respect.
24. Don’t do anything for other people and expect a reward in return. Your reward is the opportunity to help someone and better your friendship, leave it at that.
25. It’s significantly easier to change your perspective than change your life.
26. There is always one or more of three people who are responsible for everything wrong in your life. You, someone else, or no one. Learn to accept that and move on. Don’t waste your time with blame and guilt.
27. If there’s anything (not anyone, mind you) in your life you feel like you couldn’t live without, I suggest doing just that. Try going three weeks without it, and you will appreciate it and your freedom much more deeply. It may scare you how much power it holds over you too.
28. Don’t ever compromise your beliefs, but don’t ever let them alienate you from other people. Keep in mind everyone else has just as many valid reasons for their belief system as you do, and take the time to share and learn with them. It might surprise you how right they are.
29. People are not as logical as we like to think. If you truly analyze your own reasoning and motivations for how you spend your life, you’ll realize how little cause-and-effect comes into play. Don’t try to box people in or criticize their decisions, the human experience is far more beautiful than that.
30. Make a list of ten things you can do for fun that don’t involve spending money. It’s harder than it sounds, but when you get them nailed down it will keep you from defaulting to more expensive activities.
31. A lot of people hate their jobs, it’s just the way life is. Find something you’re passionate about to do in your free time if that’s the case so you can feel productive and accomplished even if work isn’t providing that satisfaction.
32. Find a way to spend at least 30 minutes completely alone with the thoughts in your head (no music!). I recommend taking a walk somewhere tranquil by yourself. You may be surprised by the things you think about that you may have been blocking out which can sometimes be stressful, but it’s far better than working out all the stress at one time when it can’t be blocked out any more.
33. If you want to know what kind of person you are, look outward instead of inward. A lot of times it’s hard to see ourselves for how we are, but the quality of people we attract speaks volumes about our character.
34. Stress and discouragement will always happen in life. Find healthy ways of coping with these and their negative emotions instead of bottling them in. A good friend to talk to, writing down how you feel, or even just a way to distract yourself I highly recommend, but find what works for you.
25. Hopes, dreams, and life are three things that are guaranteed. Don’t let anyone take them away from you, and no matter how frustrating someone may be, unless they’re going to kill you how much does it really matter? If they are going to kill you, how much does it really matter?
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